The Magic of Live Theatre

I have always said that theatre is the air that fills up my lungs to breath, and if you know me you know there is no exaggeration in that statement. A constant highlight of my life is sharing my favorite shows and theatrical experiences with my friends and family, which brings me to the story behind this post.

This is the second year that I have been a subscriber to the Broadway Across America series in Pittsburgh. I am incredibly lucky and #soblessed that my parents gifted me the ticket package for my birthday this year.
Anyway, the first show of the season was Beautiful- The Carole King Musical, which I saw a year ago on Broadway with the original cast. My two tickets were for the performance this past Saturday evening, aka Halloween. With my parents out of town and the usual suspects of friends busy, I decided to wrangle my eighteen year old football star of a brother into going with me. I'm honestly still surprised he gave up an night of shenanigans with his friends to spend time with me.
Here's a little backstory on Augustus's musical theatre history.... he has yet to travel to NYC with me, but he has seen the national tours of Wicked, The Phantom of the Opera, Mamma Mia!, and Jersey Boys. He has seen all of my cabaret performances & Merrily We Roll Along at SRU, as well as all of the show & performances I have done in the past year with ACTS and Chorale. Long story short he is not completely uncultured swine.

Over our pre show dinner conversation downtown Saturday, various questions came up such as "What's this about?" "Will I know the music" "Are there any James Taylor songs in it?" "Is this going to be like Jersey Boys?" Le sigh.

About 45 minutes later we're sitting in our orchestra seats inside the glittering jewel that is the Benedum Center when the lights go down and Abby Mueller steps onstage, takes a seat at the piano and introduces herself as Carole King, from Brooklyn New York. After the opening song, the piano slides off into the wings of stage right (audience left) and the set pieces for the next scene glide on from stage left (audience right). While this is going on, Augustus (who wasn't expecting this to happen) audibly gasps/whispers "That is so cool!" For me, that was pure magic.
Now even though I had previously seen the show before Saturday night, it gave me chills all over again. But what excited me the most was to see my brother bopping his head along with the music, laughing out loud (and harder than me) at the clever one liners in the dialogue, and expressing his amazement that King had written all of those popular songs for other artists.

This is exactly why I love being a part of the theatre community. Theatre is able to open the minds and impact the most unsuspecting people, like my jock brother. Theatre is life changing. Live theatre is an experience like no other because what happens in that performance, that moment can never be reproduced. It's honestly magic. Like Lin Manuel Miranda penned in Hamilton, you want to be in "the room where it happens!"

Upon conclusion of the show, he did indeed express that it was just as good as Jersey Boys. And just last night, he came into my room with his iPhone in hand with a look of disgust on his face. "There is only ONE Carole King song in our iTunes?" he chastised. I then proceeded to download the cast recording onto his phone. Big sister for the win!

Body Positive

It has been almost a year since the last time I starved myself.

The road to being fully body positive has taken me a year to travel, and here I sit. 

Sure I am no longer the size 0/2 that I used to be but these days at size 4/6 I am happier, healthier looking, and more energized. 

I'm sure to some people that jump in size doesn't sound like anything extraordinary, but for someone who sobbed when she discovered her size 0 jeans no longer fit, it's a big deal.

I am no longer pressuring myself to look a certain way. This is the first summer ever where I haven't been self conscious in my bikini-I am owning it! 

Shopping is a much more enjoyable experience when you're not crying in the fitting room because you think you look fat or you had to go up a size in jeans. 

Now that I'm more open with different clothes I've discovered I look really damn good in fit and flare dresses.

I can't adequately put into words how freeing it feels to not be putting myself under pressure. 

In the last 365 days I have really taken the message of So Worth Loving to heart, and my support system of friends and mentors have shown me how truly beautiful I am. 

I am 23 years old and have the body of a 23 year old. It's totally unrealistic for me to be 23 and have the body of my 18 year old self.  It makes me a bit sad when I see past posts show up on my TimeHop where I call myself a "stuffed sausage" in the dress I wore for "Songs by Sondheim". 

At my yearly check up doctors appointment this past week, when I stepped on the scale I legitimately cracked a smile when the digital screen read 129.6 lbs. I am so ridiculously happy with the way my body looks. I love carbs, so I'm going to eat them- life is too short not to! 

I no longer worry about the fact that my thighs touch-it just means I'm that much closer to being a mermaid so who's the real winner here? 

Here's to another year of body positivity! 

Snapshots from this past year......

Petra in A Little Night Music

size 4/6 dress at Talbots

size 6 jeans!!!! :)

I actually felt sexy

I may not have abs but I can high kick

In the words of my girl Loz, "all of our thighs are amazing!"

Old me would never have had the confidence to wear a crop top and leather leggings!

My thighs are so sexy they can't stop touching each other.

"When your feet don't touch the ground.." 

I sang solo in front of 500+ people looking sexy in a fit n flare

Siren of the sea

No matter my relationship status, career choice, body type, I am So Worth Loving! 

"Ask any one around you and you're going to find out-
I am beautiful! 
Really f*cking beautiful! 
Barbie's just a rag doll compared to me! 
I am beautiful! 
Just as f*cking beautiful as can be. 
Who wouldn't want quality time with me?!"

Close Call

Dear You,

It's been almost exactly 3 months since you left me. Three months since you completely blind sided me, totaled my vehicle of bliss and left me lying on the pavement. I wonder if you felt anything at all as I sat there on your couch with silent tears running down my cheeks as you broke my heart with your impersonal words-a heart that wasn't even yours to break.

I want to hate you. I want to hate you with every fiber of my being. I want to hate you for making me feel something. For the first time in my life I finally knew what it felt like to have someone chase after me, and actually want me. Sometimes I couldn't believe why you wanted me anyway; we were two different people. I want to hate you for implying that I couldn't be myself around your family. Scratch that, I do hate you for it!

I always get a feeling when things are going to turn out wrong. The first time I met you, on our little impromptu date tucked away in a corner of Panera, a small voice inside my head told me you were too good to be true. Half of me looks back on that evening in late March and says that I shouldn't have gone, that I wish I had never met you. I should have glared at you as you stared at me from across the rehearsal room. But I didn't, did I? I basked in the glow of your attention & affection. Before you I wanted too little, and after you I want(ed) too much.
I became the person I swore I would never be- the fool who lost her head.

You made me feel so safe, so wanted, so...perfect. I was so excited to see where "us" was going to go. The joke is on me I guess.
I miss you meeting me at your door, or when you'd kiss me when I was in the middle of saying something, or when I'd lay on your chest as we'd laugh over Parks & Rec. I almost lost my hopes and dreams and beliefs on you. I almost lost my sense of self. Close call right?

What bothers me the most is that from the very beginning you knew that I had walls up, and why they were there and you knew why I didn't like sharing my feelings. You said you were going to tear them down brick by brick. You tore down some of that wall. But when I finally felt safe enough share what I was feeling and (for the first time ever) open myself up, you left me. YOU. LEFT. ME. You decided your feelings weren't the same anymore.
When I said that I felt as if I mattered to you, it seems that my thoughts and feelings I was brave enough to share with you didn't matter enough anyway.

To be honest you serve as a reminder to why I put up walls in the first place. This short lived relationship reminds me as to why I never wasted my time on them before. It's nonsense. Your parting words were nonsense. You're a good actor. Sometimes I still wonder how your feelings seemingly changed in a day, but I guess that is something I'm not meant to know.

I'm glad I didn't fall completely- because I would hurt worse than I already do. So I guess in some small way, I win.

I hope you find that one you're meant to be with someday, and that she fits into your lifestyle. I hope you fill your phone with pictures of her, that you introduce her to your family, and that she wears the right shoes.

"You live and learn
Or the fault’s your own.
So I’ll take a breath,
And I’ll dry my eyes,
And I’ll turn my heart to stone.

I’ll learn to live my life alone.
No other man ever moved me.
Now no man ever will.
‘Cause if I ever did feel something close to love,
I’ll never tell.
No one will know
I almost fell." 

God! What a close call.

A Challenge for Myself

Now that my 2015-2016 performance season is upon me I have been evaluating my strengths and weaknesses as an actor and what I think I can improve on.

My friends, and past cast mates can attest to this; I am my own worst enemy-espcially when it comes to what I do onstage. I tend to over think decisions that I am making as I develop my character, subconsciously put myself down, and more or less get in my own way.
I also hold on to moments that I think are weird or where I felt I failed at.

The challenge I am giving myself this performance season is to "let go." If I make a mistake, or have a weird moment, or god forbid completely suck, I need to let it go and move on to the next scene. I have realized that if I hold onto that weird happening or concentrate what wasn't up to my standards, I am not mentally present in the moment.

In short, each time I take the stage during this performance season I am going to be present and let go of those weird, sucky moments. I am going to trust that I am making the right decisions and trust that we are all on this journey together.

Take care of yourself

I think the old saying goes, "if you don't have your health, you don't have anything," or something to that effect. This also can be said about mental health. I hate when people brush off mental health as you need to "get over yourself." Sorry but it's not that simple. You wouldn't tell a cancer patient to get over themselves. (And before you say I'm being insensitive, I have lost close family members to cancer, I know what that disease does.)
Like congratulations if you made it through your teenage years being an "individual" would you like a gold star?! (My second language is sarcasm.) But honestly, even if you have been raised to be an individual, or a "leader not a follower," sometimes those people struggle as well. Heck, I'm one of them! My parents raised me to be a strong individual but over the course of my middle & high school years I struggled with bullies and poor self esteem- I was just good at hiding it. I struggled with my poor self esteem and body image into my 20's. That weight was lifted off of me once I found a group of friends I could truly confide in and once I was introduced to So Worth Loving. The SWL family and mantra has taught me that no matter my history, past mistakes, relationship status, or career choice, I am worthy of love. The SWL manifesto goes on to say, "I am not defined by my past. I am prepared because of it. While my own voice and others may tell me different, I will lean into the safe people that affirm this way of thinking. When I encourage others to love themselves I am encouraging them to treat themselves with kindness, patience, respect, and all that embodies love. We live our life knowing we have worth." Thanks to this beautiful support system, I have a more positive mindset on my journey and where I am going. I am no longer ashamed to admit that I have struggled with inner demons in the past, but I think I am a stronger person because of them.


My best friend, my sister, Kayleigh has struggled with depression. I do not treat her any differently because of that; she can't control it-she is still my sis. She made the personal decision to take the spring 2014 semester at SRU off so she concentrate on her mental, physical health and take a step back to make sure she was alright. Instead of school, she made a huge impact on the lives of the girls she was coaching on the Arcadia gymnastics team. She also began seeing another therapist and got her meds in check. As of today, she has been re-admitted to SRU for the 2015-2016 school year and is on track to graduate in May 2016. I could not be more proud of her! One, for realizing that she needed time off to better herself and two for being a SENIOR in college! I am going to scream the loudest when she walks across that stage!!!


Two of my other friends, the Ashbrook sisters Kate & Lauren have also been open with me about their personal struggles and hardships. These two are such beautiful souls and I'm incredibly proud to know them and to see them be healthy and joyful. While they may have both up days and down days, they inspire me with their strength. Insert "Stronger" from Finding Neverland here. I am so incredibly blessed to have their friendship!


I think my point here is you don't know everyone else's story or circumstances or struggles who the hell are you to judge & think you're better. Compassion is key. (And the message of don't be shitty to one another is relevant always)


And remember my friends, whether you are struggling or not....


"I am NOT what has happened to me. I am who I chose to become"


#SWLfamily

The Actor- A Life Long Learner

This past performance season was one for the record books for me. After graduating from SRU in May of 2014 I honestly didn't think I would have the opportunity to perform on stage again. One year, joining the company of ACTS at the Pierce Opera House, four shows, three SV Chorale concerts, a Broadway audition, and my first solo concert later, I have learned a boatload! I have worked with and learned from five different directors this past season and each experience was a beautiful one. I learned a lot about myself as a performer this year, which has also helped shape me as a person.
For the 2014-2015 season at the Pierce Opera House I was lucky enough to embody four amazing women. Each one was beautiful, complicated, and vulnerable in the best way.

Petra : A Little Night Music (Songs by Sondheim) - Ohhh Petra, thanks to you I sang the single most subtly raunchy song I know, and yet you were just what I needed. At the beginning of my journey with you I was starving myself to fit into my costume cocktail dress for you. You helped me with body peace, as it wasn't Miriam in the dress per say, it was Petra. From you I also learned to live authentic-because no matter if it was "wiggling in the grass" with the Millers son, the business man, or the Prince of Wales, you were going to do it your way. Finally, you taught me that it's okay to own up to sexy.


Amy : CompaNY - Crazy Amy, by playing you I crossed a dream role off of my bucket list. You were probably my most challenging role until that point. I learned from you that someone is going to love me despite flaws and craziness, no matter how hard I push them. (I have found this in my beautiful collection of friends.)

Tzeitel : Fiddler on the Roof - When I saw the cast list for this show I honestly let out a cry of joy. The funny thing was 'Fiddler' was one of my least favorite musicals going into auditions, but it was one of the most pleasurable experiences I have ever had onstage. Closing night I was either fighting back tears or crying (in the wings) the whole show. I wasn't ready to say goodbye. Being a part of this show was nothing short of life changing. During the rehearsal and run of this show I learned the true meaning of  "chai": living! Tzei Tzei, as I was affectionally nick named, taught me to stand up for myself. From her I learned that I can't be afraid to ask for what I want and deserve; even if that means standing up to people I love. Tzeitel, the eldest, gave me strength.

Elvira : Blithe Spirit - I honestly thought that whoever typed the cast list had made a mistake. A role like this had never happened to me before. I hadn't acted in a play since my freshman year at SRU because after that year the Musical Theatre Society took the vast majority of my time and musicals had always been where my heart was. You challenged me as an actress, especially because I had to sustain an upper crust posh british accent for our almost 3 hour show. Who knew that playing a ghost could be so much fun? Elvira, you elusive girl, you taught me that no matter my charms or how methodically I plan, things may or may not go my way.

I am excited to see what lessons of life my 2015-2016 performance season will bring. Stay tuned.....

An Epiphany of Sorts or How I Learned to leave the coveted size 0 behind.

I feel like this post has been writing itself ever since high school. One would think that by 22, with everything I have accomplished in these past years, I would have achieved body peace. News flash! I haven’t, but it is something I am working on. 

I have always been on the small side. I played sports in school, and was always active. Even though I could scarf down 5 pieces of pizza in one sitting it seemed I couldn’t gain the weight. This example in particular sparked my so called friends to spread the rumor that I was bulimic. Nice friends right? *sarcasm* The only guy I have ever remotely came close to seriously dating dropped hints that he liked skinnier girls and that I could afford to lose 3 pounds or more. (this is when I was at my skinniest) How did 18 year old me not see how big of a tool he was? But I've always had a smaller build, so if I even gained a measly half a pound I would freak. In the past you could have poked me in the side & felt my ribs or been able to see the different segments of by back bone when I bent over. For Prom my junior year I wore a gorgeous rose pink ball gown that had a bejeweled chocolate brown sash with my hair pulled into a side swept curled up-do. Though I felt like a princess, it didn't occur to me at the time that both of my collar bones were jutting out. That gown was a size 00.  Back then a fate worse than death was having to wear a size medium. I was a extra small, small size girl.

When I went off to college I refused to gain the freshman 15. I walked everywhere, cut back on my portions at the dining hall, swam laps at the ARC at least twice a week, and got back in to yoga thanks to my acting class. Sometimes I just skipped meals because I was too lazy to leave my dorm for the dining hall. But I had a thigh gap and so I was happy. 

For the Broadway Cabaret I was in last fall I had to don a few skimpier costumes for different numbers I was featured in and I was determined to look good. I ate very little during the tech/dress rehearsal weeks and I would skip a meal on the days of the performances. On show night by the time I got to intermission I was exhausted. Act one I was running on adrenaline, so by act 2 I had pull energy from somewhere to get through the last half of the show and most importantly my big duet. 

I think over the course of my 4 years in college I went from weighing 110/112 pounds to now weighing 130. Do I look healthier? More than likely. Do I feel good about myself? I’m getting there. So what has brought on this new wave of body consciousness? In the musical I just closed I played Petra, the slutty maid, and sang a song about having raunchy sex with three different men. It was a good time. Anyway my costume didn’t leave too much to the imagination. It was an ultra form fitting, low cut, pink lace cocktail dress. When I got it, I pried it on and snapped a few pictures to send to my best friends who were desperate to see me in it. I was not expecting it to be as tight as it was. They all said how “flipping amazing” I looked and that my “hourglass figure” looked hot. Umm hourglass? I’ve NEVER had an hourglass! That has to be code word for you’ve put on weight. What happened to my size 0/2. I thought I needed to have a slim down before this show. I’m not proud to admit that I skipped meals here and there, and ate small portions. I refused to eat the foods I loved. I spent the month of August tired & plagued by headaches, and my acid reflux returned which made singing harder. At the time I was genuinely more worried about how I was going to look in my costume than how I was singing my song. 

My best friend Kayleigh, who is always my biggest cheerleader, was determined to set me straight when I voiced my concerns. I received these iMessages from her: “You look absolutely perfect. I'm not just saying that and you know it. Take my word on it, please? ❤️ You think Petra would be self conscious in that dress? It's HER, not you. You have curves - not rolls or extra jiggle - curves. Because you are a beautiful, strong, perfectly made WOMAN. If you were still the lanky teenager that you were, something would be wrong. You are SEXY. Guys would kill for you - ESPECIALLY in that dress. Petra is all about that - you need to take that and use it!”  Reading this DID help. I began to try and look at myself as Petra and not as Miriam when I slipped on that pink lace number. When I half jokingly, half seriously tweeted that I needed to borrow Lauren’s Phoebe corset she replied with “girl, you look hot just the way you are!”   Umm excuse me?! This TONY Award nominee who half the time goes in front of an audience wearing a corset, tutu, thigh highs and combat boots thinks YOU are hot stuff. Let that sink in. I took a screen shot of that tweet and taped it to the mirror of my makeup station in the dressing room. I needed to hear all of this, I really did. When I walked onstage opening night for my solo I heard gasps from the audience, and it wasn’t because I was wearing great shoes. That has NEVER happened to me before. Like who gave me the right to look like that?! On that note, when Lauren FUCKING Worsham, who is a dime, tells you you have a bangin body you don’t argue or question. Mostly because I’m pretty positive she could beat my ass. 

I looked HOTT and I’m not a size 0 or 2. I’m never going to be a size 0 ever again, and honestly I probably wouldn’t look good if I was. I don’t have to be stick thin to be considered hot. I’m 22 years old not 18, and I wouldn’t to look like the old me. (HELLO I had like NO boobs!) Maybe getting older is actually a good thing. And I love food! Why would I want to give up my 'Your Pick Two' at Panera Bread for a size 00? I'm beginning to combine the food I love with healthier snacks & sides like a granola bar or strawberries.
When I really think about it this body I live in is actually pretty amazing. I mean it played basketball for 12 years and ran cross country for 6 without any major injuries. This body carried me through a month of regular rehearsal then 2 weeks of tech/dress rehearsal and a performance run as Janet Van De Graaff with two severely bruised knees, a jammed ankle, and a pulled groin muscle. With those ailments I was still able to roundoff, high kick, and slide into a split during "Show Off." This body allowed me to saunter around the stage during "That Frank" in Merrily We Roll Along in a bikini and beach towel. (even though it was semi-terrifying!) So what if I don’t have a thigh gap?! Instead I have completely flawless boobs! I can’t even be modest about them. Hashtag sorry not sorry.  This body enables me to eat Schmackary’s cookies and then walk them off. My body fought off jet lag & time difference  during my study abroad experience in London. My body enables me to do what I love: perform, whether it be onstage i front of an audience or in front of a class of my students. My body looks amazing in the right cut of clothing. Which brings me to the next point that I need to be concentrating on how I feel in clothes rather than what the number size is. If a particular skirt of pair of jeans makes my butt look fabulous why should I care if the number size is a 2, 4, or 6- My ass looks fantastic!!! (especially in a pencil skirt)  For example, the bell bottom jeans I bought for my Sheila Franklin costume for HAIR were the first time I had bought a size 6 in jeans. I was devastated at the time. I actually remember tearing up in the dressing room, getting home from the mall and crying then picking at my dinner. But when I put them on with my peasant top, my peace medallion, and flower crown I WAS Sheila Franklin. If you know HAIR, Sheila cares more about peace, Berger and Claude than what the size of her jeans would be. What I’m trying to get at is that I need to start making a conscious effort to look at how clothes show off my assists rather than the size number on the tag. 
It's not fair for me to keep calling myself fat when I look in the mirror. It's not fair to me, it's not fair to my friends, family, and those who love & support me. I've never been fat or overweight, actually I've been the exact opposite. I don't want to keep berating myself any longer. 
 I used to think having a beautiful body meant being a size 0, but I was so majorly wrong. 

This is going to take some work on my part, and having a change of mindset is one thing I need(ed) to change. I’ll get to full body peace someday soon, and I know I’ll have my friends & my favorites to lean on as I go down this road. 

size medium dress, 130 pounds, and I look damn good!!